When You Mess Up Big Time

When you mess up big time, what do you do? Today I’ll go over both the bad and good ways to handle this, plus share my favorite Bible verse on this topic.

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What do you do when you mess up big time? I have a story to share with you today about the ways I’ve handled it badly, and then the ways I’ve learned to handle it the right way with God’s help.

I was looking for things to talk about on this week’s devotion. Then something popped up in my Facebook feed this morning that inspired this. Wow, I felt pretty bad.

You see, this is something I’ve forgotten not once, but at least twice, if not three times. Something important, and I dropped the ball not just once, but more than once. I felt awful about it. Even though this wasn’t something that harmed anyone, it still made me feel really bad. I’m feeling bad just talking about it with you again.

So, I want to tell you that for at least 30 years of my life, I handled this wrongly. I actually go into detail about it in the Guilty Thoughts chapter of my book, Transforming Your Thought Life: Christian Meditation in Focus.

I want to tell you first about the hopeful thing. This is the verse that has helped me the most with this problem, the verse I describe in that chapter on guilty thoughts. It’s Romans 8:1 NIV:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

When I started meditating on that verse, I was about 30 years old at the time. I encountered this verse in a powerful way through Bible Study Fellowship. We were studying the book of Romans that year. The Lord used that verse to completely change this pattern of self-condemnation that I had suffered from for decades.

I’m an Enneagram 1. We 1’s lean toward perfectionism. We’re pretty hard on ourselves. I knew this was an area that God wanted to redeem in me. He used that verse to help me. So really, that was the starting point of my transformation.

When I mess up big time, I always go back to that verse. I even went back to it this morning and thought, “If God hasn’t condemned me for this, and he’s forgiven me and set me free, and he doesn’t view me with a cold, hard stare, then I shouldn’t be doing that to myself.” I need to receive the grace that Jesus gave me by dying on the cross for everything I do wrong, whether it’s really big mistakes or smaller ones.

I also want to describe several ways I haven’t handled it well, then tell you the other ways I’ve handled it well besides meditating on Romans 8:1.

What NOT to Do When You Mess Up Big Time

Here is a list of what not to do when you mess up big time.

Ruminate or obsess over it.

This makes it into a bigger deal than it really is. It’s a strategy Satan employs to keep us in bondage to past wrongs. He doesn’t want us to have the freedom God promises us. This is a very common problem when we mess up.

Say nothing about it.

You may wish or hope that the other person will forget about it. This almost always creates a bigger problem. Sometimes, I’ve learned to go ahead and say something, and the other person will say, “Oh, I didn’t even notice.” I was feeling guilty about something they weren’t even holding against me. But it’s always better to say something about it than to say nothing at all.

Rationalize or minimize it.

You may be tempted to make excuses, like you were too busy or that it doesn’t really matter. You may have a too-casual attitude about it. Rationalizing and minimizing is a way to make the problem smaller than it really is. Saying, “Oh, it’s not a really big deal,” even when it is a big deal to the other person, though it’s not as big of a deal to me, is unhelpful.

Take a defensive stance.

A defensive stance builds up walls in your heart instead of taking a position of humility. We’ll look at humble approaches in the next section.

Using negative self-talk.

This goes along with ruminating and obsessing, telling myself things like “I’ll never get better,” “I always do the wrong thing,” or “This is the rotten kind of person I am.” Getting on those negative tracks of self-talk keep us held down, unable to overcome.

I typically turned to these ways, really without thinking, until God confronted me on this issue: being way too hard on myself when I do something wrong, even when it’s a pretty big mistake.

What NOT to do when you mess up big time - 5 practical tips for you. #encouragement #personalgrowth #spiritualgrowth Click To Tweet

What You CAN Do When You Mess Up Big Time

Here is a list of what you can do when you mess up big time. They can help you gain freedom from the guilt you are experiencing.

Repent.

To repent means to turn around and go in the opposite direction. Even though I’ve done this thing more than once, there have been other times I’ve stopped to think about what I will do different next time. Sometimes, it’s also noticing that I’m beating myself up for this, and asking what I can do differently to stop beating myself up. It’s just as much a lesson on how I treat myself as it is repenting for the wrongdoing against someone else.

Forgive yourself.

The Bible tells us that we’re supposed to love others the same way that we love ourselves (Matt. 22:36-40). If we’re not loving ourselves by showing ourselves forgiveness, then we’re only going to go so far in making things right with the other person. They will see us carrying this huge weight, and it’s just not going to be a joyful relationship. It’s going to feel like someone has a chip on their shoulder, and that creates a painful relationship dynamic.

When you forgive yourself, it’s probably not going to be a one-and-done thing. You’re probably going to need to forgive yourself over and over again every time Satan tempts you to think that you’re no good, you’re never going to get it right and it’s always going to be a problem. Every time those kind of thoughts happen, you’re going to have to tell yourself again, “I’m forgiven because God has forgiven me, and I need to forgive myself.” That’s an area in which I’m still growing.

Apologize.

If you can’t replace or redo something, you can apologize. The best way to apologize is in person. Second best is phone. Text, email or letter is third best, because they aren’t as effective as them hearing the emotions in your voice. If you’re too afraid to call, go ahead and use those third-best methods. Make sure when you apologize, you don’t use the word “but,” because it will negate the first part of your apology. Admit that you were wrong, tell them you’ll work on getting it right next time, and be humble.

Make restitution.

This depends on the situation. But it can be an important part of setting things right with the other person. Think about ways you can make it right through restitution, because it shows the person you really mean what you’re saying in your apology.

Gain perspective.

Ask yourself how much impact this situation will have on your life one month, one year and five years from now. This method has helped me weed out things I’m feeling false guilt about. If it’s a pretty serious sin, it might carry over into years. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use all these other approaches to try to make things right. This perspective filter can help you decide how much emotional energy you need to invest in the problem. With small things, not much energy. With big things, more energy. This method has helped me let myself off the hook for the lesser things and focus my energy on the bigger things.

Help others.

Could this thing you’ve done wrong possibly help others get out of the same hole someday? Then you can comfort them with the same comfort God has used to comfort you (2 Cor. 1:3-4). Think about whether anyone else is struggling with the same thing, and humble yourself to help them through it. You can tell them that you messed up, but God helped you make it right. They will be inspired by your story of how God helped you overcome.

Apply these points, pray over them, receive God’s grace and ask him what he wants you to do differently. Then approach the other person with humility and strength in the Lord, not from a defensive or rationalizing position. God will reward you and the relationship can get better. If the relationship is damaged to the point that the other person is not accepting this from you, you can go help other people in the larger body of Christ, the Church, so they can overcome in the same area. There is always hope when God is on your side.

6 positive things to do when you mess up big time. #christianliving #encouragement #faithjourney Click To Tweet

Prayer

Father God,

Thank you that you have an endless supply of grace on tap for us that we can go to anytime we need it.

Whether we’ve made big mistakes or little ones, we know your arms are open to embrace us.

We want to handle our wrongs in the right way, Lord.

We don’t to beat ourselves up, be stuck in bondage or think that we have to do penance for our wrongs to earn your favor.

Help us handle this in a way that glorifies you.

May these points help us break free of bondage, just like you promise in Romans 8:1 that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Help us embrace that truth, Lord. Help us apply it in our thought lives, spiritual lives and relational lives so that you will shine your glory through us.

May you proclaim freedom to other people through our stories.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

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