The Risks and Rewards of Marriage Boundaries

Today is a silent anniversary of a past marriage boundary. Three years ago, my husband packed his bags and left me with our three children. That horrible, scary night, we couldn’t see what we see now–boundaries sometimes produce a harvest of righteousness.

My husband and I had been married for over 14 years when our separation occurred in April 2015. Those years were rocky for both of us. Since we were both children of divorce that had never healed before we married, we brought our bulging baskets of unmet needs, hurts, and anger into our marriage. Pile on tens of thousands in debt, extended family problems, and the regular stuff of life, and you have a bleeding marriage that never heals.

The months leading up to that April had been some of the most difficult to date in our marriage. I set boundaries and he resisted. We slept in different rooms, barely spoke to one another, and still the conflicts would erupt. Our children were caught in the middle, and while neither of us wanted them to grow up as children of divorce, we couldn’t live with our marriage the way it was any longer. We both desperately needed a fresh start.

The Risks of Setting Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t easy to set. They involve risk, and you could very well experience deep loss. Grief is on both the front end and the back end of boundaries.

Before the boundary is set, the pain you experience due to lack of boundaries can be significant. It can paralyze you and keep you stuck in toxic cycles. Until you can find love or fulfillment elsewhere, you may not be able to set the boundary your relationship desperately needs. But you are grieving the pain of the relationship.

My faith was much stronger in 2015 than it had been when we got married. I had grown up in the church and knew the scriptures. Yet my marriage pain helped me search the scriptures for encouragement. God’s Word was my primary source of healing, because I knew God’s love for me was constant and overflowing. I began seeking His love first, then the love of people. That switch revolutionized my thoughts and feelings.

Before I set boundaries in our marriage, I had spent years in therapy and I had built up a support network of Christian friends. Had I not strengthened my support systems first, I would have lacked the courage to set our marriage boundaries, because my fear of losing love would have been too great.

Faith in a Boundary Crisis

The night my husband left was terrible. Our children were heartbroken and crying with hurt. I relived my oldest and worst fear of abandonment, because I keenly remembered the day my own father walked out of our home. I found strength in God, who helped me comfort our children that night. He also comforted me, holding me close while I finally fell asleep in our king-sized bed.

Though grief was waiting for me every day during our separation, I experienced God’s perfect peace inside our crisis. Yes, I was still living a nightmare. I didn’t know if we would be able to mend our marriage, and if not, everything would have to change. Our house, my job, and a thousand other things. What would we do with our wedding photos? I vaguely wondered as I stuck them in a drawer.

A tornado of whirling change had been spotted, but it hadn’t struck yet. I was in that uncomfortable limbo period when I was tempted to doubt whether the boundary was worth the risk.

Standing Firm by a Boundary

I couldn’t afford to worry. I had to keep life as normal as possible for our children. They seemed relieved because the daily tension was gone from our home. Every day I spoke on the phone with a trusted Christian friend who prayed for our marriage. Then I allowed myself to crumple and cry when it was just me and God in the bedroom at night.

I kept the boundary in place, trusting God, and waited to see if my husband would respond. Prayer was my constant companion. In the days and weeks to follow, my husband started showing signs of change. He began apologizing, which was new in our marriage. I invited him over for Sunday dinners, and we began talking again.

Slowly but surely, I saw proof that he was willing to respect and honor the boundaries our marriage needed. By Memorial Day, he had come back home and we both rejoiced.

Hebrews 12:11 NIV states:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

The boundaries in our marriage were painful and unpleasant. But the boundaries eventually produced a harvest of righteousness and peace for both of us.

Restoration Through Boundaries

Yesterday I read a blog post from another blogger who just began her marriage separation. My heart went out to her in her crisis. Yet her faith is shining through. She quoted from 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 NLT:

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

Setting boundaries can be painful. But God promises not to break a bruised reed. (Isaiah 42:3 NIV) If you must set a boundary like I did, He will hold you and protect you with a Father’s tender love.

Her post helped me realize I need to celebrate the success of our marriage boundary. It didn’t solve all our problems, to be sure. But last night when my husband hugged me, I thanked God for being our Redeemer. For renewing us, strengthening us, and changing us both.

The Lord God Almighty restored our marriage through boundaries. He may do the same for you. Even if your boundary setting causes loss, you will be able to praise God for his faithfulness, comfort and provision.

I pray that everyone who reads this post will be inspired, strengthened and uplifted by faith in the one true God. If you would like specific prayer requests, you can contact me on this page.

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