I learned to listen better from attending Al-Anon meetings. In our national quest to listen about racism, we can all learn how to improve our listening skills. Here are several helpful takeaways.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I am in no way saying this is an apples-to-apples comparison. Racism and alcoholism are two separate problems that need to be handled in different ways, to be sure. However, the basic principles described below make sense to me for broader applications. They can help us all listen better in conversations about racism, and they apply to both whites and people of color.
Please continue reading with an open mind and heart, rather than a defensive or judgmental one. I welcome your respectful comments at the end.
How I Learned to Listen from Al-Anon
If you’re not familiar with Al-Anon, it’s a support organization for family members of alcoholics. I gained massive value from attending it for several months. If you are a family member of an alcoholic, I highly suggest you read this post, which contains much more information in addition to my testimony.
These are some basic truths I learned about listening better from attending Al-Anon meetings.
Al-Anon meetings are open to all. Everyone who attends has suffered from trauma. All of us are equals.
We come because we are broken, hurting, and at our wits’ end. We are in need of encouragement, affirmation, understanding, and most of all, practical help. When we come, we are willing to learn.
There are ground rules for every meeting, read at the beginning for clarity. They are welcome boundaries for all of us.
These elements are not allowed: making statements or gestures of judgment or criticism, interrupting, ridiculing, proselytizing, minimizing, and (to my initial surprise) giving advice > more on this in a minute.
The meeting lasts one hour. Each person has a limited time to speak. You aren’t required to speak, but you are expected to listen and support. You won’t be timed when you share, but honor everyone’s time by making your share time as concise as possible.
We take turns in a circle, starting with the leader. If you have a greater burden to share, sit nearest the beginning of the circle so you have the most time to talk (note: this is you right now, my black brothers and sisters). If you have less to share, sit toward the end of the circle and plan on listening more than speaking.
In our national struggle to listen better about racism, we can all learn how to listen better. Here are several helpful takeaways. #listen #racism #America Click To Tweet
We start each Al-Anon meeting by reciting the 12 steps. They apply just as much to us as they do to our addicts. (This fact shocked me at first. I thought, “Why should I be subject to the same rules as my offenders?” But as I walked through the steps, God tore down my pride and humbled me. I, too, needed to submit to the same growth process outlined in the 12 steps. It was the only way to move forward.)
Privacy is crucial. It’s a small, safe space where we share our deepest hearts. You are highly accountable for this requirement. We use first names as our only identifiers. But you are free to associate and exchange phone numbers outside the group meeting time.
We must use neutral language (i.e. Higher Power) to show respect, honor different perspectives and work from a common ground. Occasionally, in a moment of frustration while sharing, one person may utter a swear word. But 99 percent of the language is non-offensive.
Our face-to-face time, though anonymous, is a healing balm. In my language, we are “Jesus with skin on” to one another. We see our own anguish mirrored in one another’s faces, and we also find the strength and resilience we need in others. Our physical presence with one another reminds us we aren’t alone in the fight.
Each person learns primarily through listening to others’ testimonies. About 90 percent of your time at the meeting is listening.
A tissue box is one of the most important resources in the room. It is passed around regularly, because tears are essential for healing. We cry ourselves when we share, and we cry for one another when they share.
Advice is not given, because what works for you may not work for me.
The three main battles we fight together are hopelessness, self-pity, and resentment. They are killers on our journey toward life instead of destruction.
The invaluable gifts you will receive are personal growth, recovery and support. You can also learn much from the literature, but you’ll learn far more from the group members’ personal stories.
The three main battles we fight together are hopelessness, self-pity, and resentment. They are killers on our journey toward life instead of destruction. #support #recovery #encouragement Click To Tweet
How We Can Listen Better in Conversations on Racism
This is how I see the principles of an Al-Anon meeting applying to conversations on racism.
First, the conversation needs to be open to all. Anyone can participate, no matter what race you are.
Small group conversations work best. Face-to-face conversations bring about the fastest healing. Zoom calls and Facetime calls will probably work best during the quarantine.
The main requirement is a willingness to listen. Ninety percent of your time will be listening.
You aren’t required to share, but your contribution is just as valuable to the group as anyone else’s contribution.
We are all broken, sinful people. We all need healing and hope. In a setting like this, we can gain the support, understanding, encouragement, affirmation and practical help we desperately need.
Rules for engagement are essential and helpful. No judgment, criticism or interrupting, because respecting one another is key. No inflammatory or accusatory language, and no providing pat answers to complex problems. Out-of-control, angry outbursts are not welcome. But tears are welcome and most necessary.
This is how I see the principles of an Al-Anon meeting applying to conversations on racism. #RacismInAmerica #racism #America Click To Tweet
All of us – every single one – is subject to a growth process of surrender, confession, humility, personal growth, restitution of wrongs, spiritual awakening, and a commitment to help others overcome. There is no room for blame, because we are each personally responsible.
We must each wage war against our tendencies toward hopelessness, self-pity, and resentment. Our enemy Satan uses these to hold us in bondage to ourselves and in opposition to one another. When we tear down these spiritual strongholds with the truth of our personal responsibility, we gain self-control, which makes change possible.
There is much to be learned from literature, movies, news feeds, etc. about racism. However, the stories with the most impact will come from individual accounts. (That’s why, even though I’m an avid reader of over 100 books per year, I’m seeking out individual conversations more than books on racism right now.)
The invaluable gifts I’d like to receive from quality conversations on racism are new insight, greater compassion, and a plan for moving forward. If you’d like to have a conversation with me on this issue, I encourage you to read this post to understand where I’m coming from, and reach out to me on my Contact page.
When we tear down these spiritual strongholds with the truth of our personal responsibility, we gain self-control, which makes change possible. #racism #America #hope #healing Click To Tweet
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