How to Handle Holiday Grief in Quarantine

How do you handle holiday grief in quarantine? It’s hard enough to handle grief when we aren’t in quarantine. But the 2020 holiday season will be rife with new griefs, and we need to intentionally handle all of them, large and small. Here’s what we can do to handle our grief this season.

What Does Holiday Grief in Quarantine Look Like?

All of us have been dealing with losses since mid-March. Losses of freedom, celebrations, peace, health, and perhaps jobs and loved ones. This year has been a steady stream of losses, and you may not have taken time to grieve them.

In my book, Transforming Your Thought Life: Christian Meditation in Focus, I touch on the concept of grief in the Regretful Thoughts chapter. I talk about facing grief when my grandpa died in 2012. Strangely, the grief that sprang up was not only tied to my grandpa’s death, but also unprocessed grief over a botched relationship from nearly 20 years before.

The problem was, I had never grieved the losses of that relationship. I had never even seen them as “worth” my time to grieve. They “shouldn’t have mattered” to me. These were the phrases I kept telling myself in my mind. Yet that old grief pestered me incessantly somewhere in my mind and heart for almost 20 years until I dealt with it.

That’s what holiday grief in quarantine looks like. If we try to cover over the stream of losses, small as they may be, they will leak out later in anger, bitterness, resentment and psychosomatic problems. Even the little losses that we think “shouldn’t matter” need to be reconciled. But we need to process them now, as I’ll explain next.

This is what holiday grief in quarantine looks like, and how we can handle it. #grief #quarantine #holiday Click To Tweet

Dealing with Holiday Grief Now

I know you don’t want to deal with this year’s unprocessed holiday grief five, ten or 20 years from now, and neither do I! So it’s important to address our holiday grief now, trusting God to help us handle it.

An exercise you can do: Get out a piece of paper and write down all the losses you’ve experienced during quarantine. Every little one. List all the losses you will face in the coming holiday season too. As I discussed in last week’s post on holiday anxiety, naming our negativity helps release it.

This exercise will hurt, but it will be for your ultimate good. It’s like sipping bitter medicine to stop a cough before it turns into bronchitis or pneumonia. But as you sip it, you know it will help you. That’s what naming all these things will do. Be sure to list them all – both small and large – to get the most out of this exercise.

After this exercise, treat yourself to something soothing. A cup of hot cocoa or herbal tea. A bubble bath or hot shower with a scented soap you enjoy. Your favorite holiday magazine or novel. Perhaps a lighthearted Christmas movie. Something that will counterbalance the sadness. You need to practice this self-care when you’re grieving. Next, we’ll talk about what you can do with that list.

Naming our holiday grief helps us release it. Learn more about holiday grief in quarantine here. #grief #emotionalhealth #christmas2020 Click To Tweet

Lean into Grief

God doesn’t shame us for feeling sad that this holiday season is different. He knows we are longing for a sense of normalcy, and perhaps feeling nostalgic about the past. It’s not only okay to grieve what is lost; it’s necessary.

In the past few weeks, I have suddenly become infatuated with movies from the 1990s. It seems like a much simpler and straightforward time of history, though I know logistically it wasn’t a problem-free era.

Reminiscing about past holidays that weren’t weighed down with quarantine and cultural division helps balance out my feelings of grief. It reminds me I need to appreciate what I have now, because I don’t know when my current reality could change due to poor health, loss of loved ones, etc.

I’ve been dealing with particular grief this year, and I’m learning to let it out. When I let the grief up and out, the release of pressure is most certainly painful for a few short moments. I’m not going to lie – it really hurts, but only for a little while. I lean into that pain, asking God to help me get through it with arrow prayers.

Within a few minutes, I’m ready to wipe my tears away and push forward. It’s almost as if the tears are necessary guides to lead me out of the grief until it rises again. The tears cleanse a part of the grief away every time, melting it down, making it easier to bear.

I encourage you to lean into your grief too. The more you bottle it up, the worse you will feel. Get your list out and handle only one item at a time. Let that grief rise to the surface, lean into the grief while you lean on God, and then you’ll breathe a bit easier afterward.

God doesn’t shame us for feeling sad that this holiday season is different. #holiday2020 #quarantinelife #emotionalhealth Click To Tweet

Consult with a Counselor

This fall, I returned to my counselor’s office for a few sessions, after about five years of not seeing him regularly. Talking about my feelings with a mental health professional gives me valuable perspective I can’t get anywhere else. It’s a safe place to release the pressure and gain objectivity from a trusted brother in Christ.

You may also benefit from speaking to a Christian counselor about your anxieties and grief. I’m able to see my counselor in person, with both of us wearing masks. You may be able to use a Zoom option with your counselor. Consider it an early Christmas present to yourself – you won’t be sorry for spending the time and money if grief and/or anxiety are frequently stealing your peace.

If you’re not sure how to find a Christian counselor in your area, you can contact Focus on the Family at 1-800-232-6459. I did this years ago. Focus on the Family was generous to give me a free 30-minute session by phone with one of their counselors, who then referred me to a Christian counselor in my area. You can use the same service to find a counselor near you.

Another option that may be available to you is meeting with a Stephen Minister. I’m a Stephen Minister at my church. We receive over 50 hours of training to minister to people in our local area, and we can help you deal with grief as a branch of the pastoral care team. This is a free, 100-percent confidential service you can use to get affirmation and healing. Check the Stephen Ministries website to find a church near you that has available Stephen Ministers.

Talking about holiday grief with a mental health professional gives valuable perspective we can’t get anywhere else. #mentalhealth #grief #holidays Click To Tweet

Stay in the Moment

Dr. Henry Cloud recently said in this video that we grieve in two ways: over what we once had, or over what we wanted but never had. Your grief this holiday season in quarantine is tied to both of those pieces of the past and needs to be processed. But it doesn’t have to steal the joy from your holiday moments that are ahead.

I’m a past-focused person, a natural melancholy. I must fight this backward pull of sadness most days, quarantine or not. So the best way for me to do that is to stay in the moment.

This mindset requires prayer before, during and after events. It requires me to meditate on God’s Word at the beginning of each day, mulling peaceful verses over in my mind. It also dictates that I fix my thoughts on positive things instead of looking backward. Mindfulness calls me to engage all five senses in the moment, tying myself to what is real and true.

Sometimes right after the tears of grief fall, I tell myself, “Stay in the moment, Sarah.” This verbalized call grounds me to now. Also, sometimes I make that into a simple prayer: “God, help me stay in the moment.” It’s a prayer he is happy to answer with, “I will.” Then he always shows me a reason for rejoicing in the present.

We can also get through holiday grief at quarantine better together. Don’t try to face it alone. Talk with a friend, consult with your counselor or church, and reach out to me for prayer. I would be honored to pray you through this difficult season, friend. Have feedback or prayer requests for me? Send me a message on my Contact page.

The mindset you need to move forward in this holiday season. #mindset #mindfulness #intentionalliving Click To Tweet

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